Hiatus.

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I think two of my worst qualities are my struggle to be openly weak; a lot of things play into this, past abusive relationships, a rocky childhood... the several kicks I've received while down. So I tend to instinctively gravitate towards not showing how I'm suffering. Showing vulnerability is a special kind of brave I admire, but it's not something I've mastered.
The second bad quality is my insecurity, self-hatred... I kinda both feel relieved and sad that there probably isn't anyone in the world who hates me as much as I hate myself (and I know I've made enemies).

Part of it is also being aware that people are looking at me. And I want to be a positive force, so I try my best to be uplifting and encouraging... but lately, the way I'm so negative towards myself has been seeping into everything else. As it naturally does - all you do comes from yourself. You can't hate yourself, and pretend everything's just peachy. I do have a lot of love and faith in the people in my life, and I suppose this is me cowering in the shadows, because I don't want to lash out or seem unsupportive. I'm not tired of supporting people; I'm tired of not being able to stop telling myself how I'm useless and can't this, can't that, why bother, no one cares, I'll never this, I've failed that, etc.

It's been, to me, for awhile now a sort of desperate facade of everything being fine and trying extra hard to put out artwork. I have been always blamed for being too responsible as a child, and no one has really scolded me for being the opposite... because I take real and imagined responsibilities very serious.
For example, I have developed a bit of a complex with Cockblock Kitties. I always feel this rush, this panicky need to put out a new chapter, new chapter, fasterfasterfaster
... but I am so afraid of my own blatant shortcomings, about everything I'm fumbling at getting right with it that I tend to procrastinate and prioritise anything else over picking it up again. I love the boys, I love the concept, the story.. I've just made myself terrified of actually working on it. =_="

I don't know. In a sense, I am very open and honest, putting this journal out here, for example. But I'm also kinda private or shut everyone out; for the weeks I spent feeling like shit and digging myself deeper into a ditch mentally. 

I always try and push myself to be better, stronger
A friend of mine likes to say "fake it till you make it", and I try. And it does work! ... but sometimes, you have to admit that you might not be as far along as you think you are, and that things you desperately want to leave behind you, aren't yet behind you.
And that's okay. 

I need this hiatus, to tell myself there is no deadlines or nothing I need to get done by some date or else something. I need this anxiety, this panic, out of my system. It probably won't take me that long; because I'm always already over the worst of my issues when I can put it down to words like this.


But... yeah. Just putting it out there that I need a break. Mostly from myself.  

And that maybe, if anyone has felt something like this.. to show that it's okay. We all get our downs, but we'll get back up again.
It'll be alright.